Unaccounted for

What is the conflict? I feel as though this story is trying to make me understand the redundance of Mr. Smith's life – which it definitely does, however, I am not sure I understand if it's supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing. It's kind of like the list of ways his habitual life is supposed to assist in creating a build up to the climax, but I got confused when I realized the buildup had already happened without me noticing it. What if you created more of a thought process for Mr. Smith so that we could better understand in the end why one plus one no longer equals two to him?

I like what is happening with the rhythm in certain places like when you're describing him in his morning and his car; I think that the rhythm of the conversation between Mr. Smith and the secretary is kind of empty along with its content. I don't think I can find the emotional center or any window into what Mr. Smith is like at work. After describing the scent of the morning and the sunlight on Fleur's skin so eloquently – the conversation between her and the secretary is directionless and the contrast in the flow threw off what I was experiencing.

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It was a "clean" story in terms of plot and ideas. It got to the point and I enjoyed the character descriptions. I didn't like the "forced" feel of some of your words, especially the choice of adjectives, which felt overdone. Be careful with pronouns – "Mr. Smith" should be a constant and not changed to "Jacob".

I think simplifying would make the story better. The colorful and figurative language seems out of place in such a short story. It's like having seven courses for lunch when what you really want are some snacks. The length of the story wants quicker pace and doesn't need lines like "tendrils of floral sweetness…" I think needs a language of a children's story with adult themes. I think the contrast in writing style is nice if the end were more figurative. Also it plays well with the theme of mechanical versus emotion "numbers" fit well with simplified writing. Then the emotion can come with figurative writing.

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